I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
