Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
