I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
