you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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