She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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