I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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