I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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