so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
