Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I touched a dick in church today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
