I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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