Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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