whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
