Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
