Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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