Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
