I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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