I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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