i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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