Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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