sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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