We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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