Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The power of my boobs compel you
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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