you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
