I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
