it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
handjob tips. give me some.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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