What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
