dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize