If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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