When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize