She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can text with my tongue
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
