Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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