I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
50% drunk capacity currently
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
