Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
