I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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