I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
