I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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