So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
