I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
