Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize