That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So vagazzling was a success
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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