I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
