We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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