Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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