I accidentally had phone sex last night
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh god it's open bar.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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