it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
