nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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