I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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