I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
