one might say we're banned from that church
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
