i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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