The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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