And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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